Definitive Proof on Why Pizza is Better than Burgers

As much as we love pizza, we need to mix things up once in a while. It’s not that we ever come close to tiring of pizza, but we want to have some perspective. We believe it’s necessary, only responsible, really, to ground our core beliefs in rigorous research and airtight logic.

So maybe we’re a bit selective about when and how we apply the scientific method. (Sorry, Mr. K., but that song you sang in 10th grade biology wasn’t that catchy.) Still, we can rest easy knowing we’ve considered alternative viewpoints.

For example, are burgers better than pizza? Of course not. You know that too. But as authorities on pizza, we need to be able to explain why.

These arguments are appropriate at a country club, housewarming party, Thanksgiving table, or on a crowded bus — any forum for lively, spirited debate. You don’t have to credit us, but if your opponent won’t stop spouting pro-burger fallacies, we recommend you scoff and say, “You clearly haven’t read the Sauce by Slice.”

There’s no recovering from that one. Then, maybe you celebrate your debate victory with some pizza. You’ve earned it.

A burger is, unavoidably, just a burger. A pizza can transcend.

Maybe you’re a devoted to a certain regional burger chain with a secret menu every single person knows about (fun!), or you find yourself drifting to your local gastropub for happy hour burger specials, or you have that one uncle who knows the exact amount of worcestershire sauce ground beef needs to really sing. What do these experiences have in common? They’re fine. They’re all burgers. What’s not to like? Okay, great.

 

Meanwhile, think of your favorite pizza. The components perfectly come together, and you note each of them as they hit your tongue. You celebrate their individual glory, but also how they contribute to the whole, which is so much more than the sum of its parts. There’s nothing better. It’s a celebration of balance, achieving a perfect ratio. And you’d absolutely notice the difference if someone swapped it out.

Speaking of perfect ratios…

Ever bite into a burger and get a mouthful of lettuce, while most of the toppings you were actually excited about spilled out the back? That’s not a real question. Also, a single patty is often so thin it gets lost, but has anyone ever finished a double cheeseburger with their dignity intact? We were surprised to discover in the course of our research that there are no infomercial products designed to help you neatly eat a burger. In case you think we’re giving away a million-dollar idea, we’re not, because good luck designing one.

 

Meanwhile, pizza is nothing short of an engineering marvel. Technically, it didn’t emerge from the Italian Renaissance, but it might as well have, ya know? And if a stray pepperoni happens to end up on your plate, it’s a bonus treat.

Pizza is for everyone, including vegetarians.

Those of us who don’t eat meat can enjoy cheese pizza, pizza in its purest form, alongside the sort of carnivore whose idea of a vegetarian meal is…cheese pizza. That’s just one reason pizza’s the perfect food for just about any gathering. Meanwhile, what exactly is a veggie burger? It’s a collection of mysterious substances formed into the shape of a burger patty (or a loose, mushy pile, if we’re talking about black bean burgers). It may incidentally take on a sort of a burger-y essence, but at best, there’s still no confusing it for the real thing.

Burgers need sides. Pizza thrives on its own.

A burger without fries just seems incomplete and vaguely wrong, and we simply cannot stand things that are incomplete and vaguely wrong. Meanwhile, a slice of pizza is a satisfying, self-contained unit. You may need to increase the quantity to achieve satiety, but by itself, pizza’s a full meal.

So there you have it. Armed with these points, you can do your part to stop the spread of misinformation.

 

— Ethan Spielman