Dear Pizza Eaters,
We make ordering as easy as pie, but, sometimes, eating pizza with friends and family results in some tough choices.
Don’t worry, “Hey Slice” is here to deliver answers to all of your most pressing etiquette queries and concerns.
Without further adieu, let’s dig in:
HEY SLICE: What shape should pepperonis be? – @nyc.tonyrent a.k.a. CUP CRISIS
HEY CUP: This is a deep question – deeper than the deepest and greasiest pepperoni cup.
There is no one right shape, or size, for pepperoni. This tends to be a subject of great debate, like Flat Earthers vs. Round Earthers. Though, in this case, one side isn’t totally wrong (we’ll never say which one, just in case Shaq is reading this and knows how to find us.)
Flat pepperoni is favored by some for its ability to keep a low profile in the oven, ensuring even cooking. Meanwhile, ‘roni cups are celebrated for the greasy goodness collected within and their perfectly imperfect char around the edge.
If we had our druthers, we’d go with the ‘roni cups. Still, we’ve never turned down a slice of pepperoni pizza, and we’re not about to start now.
HEY SLICE: What’s the deal with grease blotting? My girlfriend insists on dabbing every slice with a napkin and this makes me upset. Isn’t this pizza blasphemy? – GREASE IS THE WORD
HEY GREASE: Some folks believe that blotting pizza grease cuts down on calories. That might be the case, though we personally don’t advocate for it – pizzas are meant to be enjoyed in their natural form.
Does it make sense to wring the meaty juices out of a hamburger as though it were a damp bar rag? Would it be logical to smash your french fries with a hammer until its oils are completely removed, leaving you with sticks of dry starch? Certainly not.
With that said – pizza should be free of judgement. If your girlfriend wants to cut back on the grease, that’s just fine. You’re there to support her. Be her rock. Someone she can lean on when she’s done leaning on the pizzeria counter.
Compromise is essential to any healthy relationship. Next time she wants to go grease-free, we suggest that you borrow her slice, hold it over yours, fold it downwards, and transfer the essential oils of the pizza on to yours.
It’s a true win-win and, frankly, the most romantic gesture a gal could ever hope for. This way, you’ll be her knight in extra-shiny armor.
HEY SLICE: What’s the max amount of napkins I can take from the counter? – NAPKIN HOG IN NANTUCKET
HEY NAPKIN HOG: We’ve seen some serious pizza party fouls on this front over the years. While pizza is a finger food that necessitates some worthwhile tidying, there’s no reason to treat it as though it’s a spilled carton of milk in the supermarket. You just ate, but it’s not an emergency cleanup on Aisle 8.
There’s an honor system and an unwritten code when it comes to the napkins on the counter. Don’t get greedy – take only as many napkins as you need to wipe your hands and face.
Or, if you’re a true hero like the grease-loving pizza eater above, you can save your favorite shop owner some money by just licking your fingers clean. That’s the considerate thing to do, and that’s what etiquette is all about.